I am imperfect...I don't know my family

As I begin writing this, I am flying over the city of Minneapolis on my way home from a 3-day trip to meet one of my brothers...for the first time in my entire life.

Back around Christmas 2018, I typed my birth father’s name into a search. The first thing that came up was his obituary. He had passed away just six months prior, on the day before my birthday. My first emotion was shock, and then came the tears, followed by regret, and finally anger that no one contacted me. I took a moment to gather myself and contacted my therapist to schedule an appointment.

The next action I took was actually one that I didn’t contemplate at all. I remember feeling as though I was on autopilot, which, looking back is SO weird because I avoided this moment for years. I went on Facebook and found my brother, Tony, and sent him a message. First, I made sure that I had the right person but honestly, looking at his profile photo, it was undeniable that I had the right guy.

I found out about Tony and our brother, Ricky, when I was 19. I was a little curious but due to my very strained relationship with our father, I never had a desire to contact either of them.

To give you a little more background on the situation, my mother and father divorced when I was four years old and the moment that happened, I never saw my father again. I remember one phone conversation with him when I was six and then we didn’t speak again until I was 19. The last conversation we had over the phone, was the conversation when I found out that he had remarried and had two sons; that marriage eventually ended in divorce too. My mother also remarried and I have a sister from her second marriage but Hayley and I grew up together.

Tony responded to me within minutes, almost like he had been waiting. Our connection was immediate. It was clear that we had the same sense of humor, extremely similar relationships with our father, and so many other things. We kept messaging constantly. Sometimes the conversation was digging into the past and at other moments, it was as simple as, “Hey. Are you left-handed too?” Then came the conversation of meeting in real life. I wanted it to happen but a wave of fear and anxiousness also came over me. Tony and I spoke casually about it and then he and his family had tickets to fly out to me. A few weeks later, his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer; her doctor was quick to shutdown the idea of her getting on a plane and traveling. I waited a beat and then decided that the only thing to do was go to them. My husband, Dave, was extremely supportive of the whole thing and his encouragement definitely took some of the edge off. Thoughts that crossed my mind....

What if it goes badly? I’ve gone this long without him; do we really need to do this?

I decided three days was a good amount of time; long enough to begin to get to know each other and brief enough to withstand if it didn’t go well. My nephew is just a year older than Jack so, at first I thought I should bring him with me. I decided it was best that I fly solo to give myself enough emotional space to take it all in, whatever it was going to be.

The weeks went by with ease and little thought and then, it was time. The morning I woke up to fly out to Minnesota, I was suddenly a big ball of nerves and my eyes welled up with tears as I pulled away from my house on the way to the airport. The flight went fast and then there they were to pick me up.

Tony pulled up in my dream pickup truck (little known fact, I’ve always wanted a truck TRUCK). My sister-in-law, Jamie, jumped out and gave me a big hug and the front seat. Then we were off, all together.

The first day, they showed me around Minneapolis. The next day, they took me to the Minnesota State Fair where my shy nephew, Jace, invited me on every ride with him. It was like we were a group of long lost friends; we had fun no matter what we did. We also had lots of open and honest conversation. It went far better than I ever imagined. Then, it was suddenly time for me to head home.

I am still processing it all and there are some things that I want to keep private. I feel incredibly fortunate that it went SO well though.

As a testament to how the universe works, on my way home from the airport I had the coolest guy, Teddy, drive me home. Any good driver reads their passenger and can tell if they’re in the mood to talk or not. Usually I’m not but when he very casually asked me how my trip was, I was honest about where I had gone and what I had done. Then Teddy opened up and told me about his very similar family history and with that he said, “You’re both lucky you found each other and it went so well. Most people would live their whole lives without opening that door; it’s such a personal decision. What a gift to be on the same page. Sounds like the beginning of something special.”

XO -Heidi

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